Side Effects Of Being Gay
by JuliaKerns5
Summary: [WARNING: Slash][RLSB][MWPP Era][OneShot] No, Remus told himself firmly. It’s just a toiletry bag. Remus finds a makeup bag in the boys' bathroom and thinks that it is Sirius'. Lots of assumptions, throwing of eyeliner pencils, and werewolf rage.


Remus sighed.

Burying his face into his pillow and groaning, he felt a smooth hand slide along his waist and draw the werewolf closer, making a content noise.

Remus looked up from his bed mattress, and stared with a cocked eyebrow at the mass of black hair stuffed into his shoulder. He smiled at the image, and brushed away some of Sirius' hair from his forehead, his fingertips tickling the other boy's skin.

But it was still time to get up.

He threw the covers away from his neck, even though they only got even more tangled in his legs and caused Remus to topple down onto the floor and curse loudly.

The bed next to his made protesting grunting noises from Remus' racket.

Remus stared around him uneasily, but all of the boys in his dormitory were still deeply in morning sleep. _Too much in sleep_, Remus thought. _It's already seven in the morning_.

He walked to the bathroom, stumbling through the doorway and rubbing his head sleepily.

"Arrngh." Remus groaned, slumping onto the toilet seat.

What had possessed him to stay up until midnight last night? Or better yet – _who_ had possessed him to stay up until midnight last night?

_Oh, right,_ Remus remembered dryly, pursing his lips disapprovingly. _Sirius_.

He ran water under his hands, before splashing it onto his face. Remus sighed loudly, before sliding off his pajamas and slipping into the shower, letting the spout pour trickles of water onto his face and back.

Just because Sirius was his boyfriend _didn't_ mean that he controlled Remus' life. Except that it totally did. Sirius wanted to stay up later, and Remus wanted to stay snuggled into his shoulder, and so the unfair compromise was staying up longer. And Remus couldn't resist his boyfriend's warm waist into the chilly evenings.

Not that it was a one-sided relationship. Remus made it a point to inquire about that nightly, just in case Sirius was to change his mind. Remus was too uneasy and concerned about the fact that Sirius had girls throwing themselves at his feet and here he was – all scarred up and a little bookish. How could he _not_ have low self-esteem?

Remus had wondered before if Sirius was gay. Of course, the answer was no, because Sirius was just gay for Remus. He remembered the conversation as though it was yesterday.

"_I… are you truly gay, Sirius?"_

_Sirius turned around, cocking an eyebrow and smiling at Remus seductively._

"_Only for you, love."_

"_Don't be cheesy, Padfoot," Remus admonished, and pursed his lips. "Honestly."_

"_I… no." Sirius answered, sighing. "I'm not crazy for guys in general. Just you, really." And he flashed him an irresistible grin, stroking his hair, before bounding down the dormitory stairs._

Remus stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around his waist. He had absolutely no idea how Sirius and him worked out at all – but it was a roll-and-live sort of thing. And for once, Remus didn't care that their thing didn't have an explanation; a reason. Which was surprising for Remus.

_Where_ was his toothbrush?!

Remus growled impatiently, his eyes scanning the bathroom counter, when his eyes fell upon something small and leathery. Was _that_ –

_No_, Remus told himself firmly. _It's just a toiletry bag. Just some tiny little bottles of shampoo and soap. _

He found himself doubting his own words, and inching over to the innocent back bag lying in the corner of the counter, halfway unzipped and lumpy from items being haphazardly stuffed into it.

As though it was a creeping spider that Remus was about to cautiously approach and kill, he approached it slowly before jerking it forward in his direction with a single finger so he could stare inside of it apprehensively. As though it would bite him. Or seize him and trip him into the toilet.

Remus closed his eyes tightly before fastening both of his hands around the bag's flaps and placing it in the sink for further examination.

Remus peered inside of it.

And gasped.

An assortment of eyeliner, mascara brush, lipstick, and blush was all piled up in the small bag with multiples of each item and more girlish accessories that Remus didn't know the name of. Was that a bloody eyelash curler?

Remus shook his head. This was the _boys' bathroom_.

He knew only one person who would own a makeup bag. Someone who would be effeminate enough to use eyelash curlers. Someone who lied about being gay and probably was gay because who else was in the bathroom thirty minutes in the morning and hogging the sink?

"Sirius Black, I am going to kill you." Remus hissed, and scowled into the bag.

Had the boy been _hiding_ the bag from Remus? Thinking that he was too 'cool' for eyeliner and such. Did he wear it when he secretly picked up girls in the Room Of Requirement even though he was _supposed_ to be with Remus?

Remus sighed.

The side effects of being gay.

The door opened and Remus didn't even bother jumping back and pretending to be examining some nonexistent bruise on his palm instead of snooping around in someone else's makeup bag, because he was ready to accuse and blame Sirius for this! He was _not_ a girl and wearing makeup completely made it seem as though he was!

"G'morning." A sleepy voice greeted from the door, and Remus stared sternly into the gray and groggy eyes of Sirius.

"Hello." Remus greeted stiffly, and held the makeup bag in his fingers bluntly. Sirius walked by him and steered towards the toilets.

"One day you are going to have to tell me how you can get up so bloody early." he said warmly, kissing Remus on his cheek.

"Those sort of secrets belong in the right hands."

Sirius chuckled, oblivious to the stoniness in his boyfriend's voice. Looking over, he eyed the makeup bag in Remus' firm grasp and raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Erm… makeup, Remus? Isn't that a little… I dunno, a female thing?"

Remus' eyes widened in fury, and his nostrils flared lividly. "You're the one to talk!" the black bag went flying out of the werewolf's hands and flew into the bathtub with a clunk. An eyeliner pencil and a bottle of nail polish were flung out wildly. The pencil fell on the floor with a dull _clud_ and the nail polish deposited itself safely in Sirius' fingers.

"Do you paint your nails regularly?!" Remus accused loudly, "Like those evenings when you lie about having detention when you're actually screwing girls with _eyeliner_ on!" he threw the eyeliner pencil at Sirius, who dodged it easily, and held up his hands defenselessly.

"Wait – so that bag _isn't_ yours?" Sirius asked dumbly, ignoring the eyeliner pencil that fell to the floor behind him pathetically.

"No, you wanker!" Remus shouted, "For god's sake, you're not a _girl_!"

"I know that!" Sirius said.

"Don't you remember, bros before hoes?"

"Yeah!" the black-haired boy said honestly. "And sisses before kisses! Of course, Moony, I am _not_ screwing other girls with nail polish! I love you!"

"Oh so he says!" Remus challenged, and picked the makeup bag up again. "You also told me that you weren't gay! But what kind of straight guy has a makeup bag, huh? With blush and eye shadow and bloody _eyelash curlers_!"

"That's what this is about?" Sirius asked disbelievingly, sighing. "Look, Remus, you need to relax, okay? I am _not_ cheating on you and I am _not_ wearing makeup!"

"This stuff is used!" he said, uncapping a lipstick stick, a look of pure horror on Remus' face, "_Lipstick_, Sirius??"

"That's not mine!" Sirius said. "I'm not a girl!"

"You promised me that you weren't going to be all – all – _fruity _and womanish!"

"You know what!" Sirius said, pursing his lips. "I bet that that bag is _yours_! And you're accusing me!" he pointed a finger at himself and then jabbed it at Remus.

"How dare you!" Remus said. "I don't wear makeup!"

"Well, neither do I!"

The door opened again, and Lily stepped in, brushing her disarrayed morning-hair out of his face and nodding curtly to both boys.

"Evans, this is a boy's bathroom." Sirius said to her rudely, his chest puffing in deep, livid breaths.

Lily sent him a glare. "So?"

"So _shove off_. Unless you're a boy."

Lily narrowed her eyes at Sirius. "And good morning to you _too_, Black." She pushed him out of the way to the sink.

"Not to be rude, Lily," Remus said slowly, "But why the hell are you up here?"

"Not to intrude," she responded airily, waving a hand as too brush off the subject unimportantly. "But I slept in James' bed two night's ago and I think I left my makeup bag in your guys' bathroom." Her eyes reached the black bag, lumpy from the throwing abuse, and she smiled in satisfaction.

"Ah," Lily said. "There it is."

And with a swish of red hair she was gone with the black makeup bag, even though she had been oblivious to the dented and broken in half eyeliner pencil rolling about on the tiles.

Remus sunk into the shower curtain guiltily, sending Sirius an apologetic look. "So I suppose that you don't wear eyeliner…?"

Sirius smirked. "No."

"Or blush or something?"

"I'm not a girl, Remus."

"Yeah…" Remus said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head, "I think I may have forgotten that. Erm… sorry…?"

"What did you think I was?" Sirius asked, his tone softer, "A transvestite? That this makeup thing was a side effect of being gay?"

"Sort of." Remus responded, flushing in embarrassment.

"Stop looking so damn sorry," the black-haired boy scolded, drawing Remus into his arms, "I have copyright of those puppy eyes, you know, and you're not using them legally."

"Shame on me."

"Yes," Sirius said. "Yes, shame. I _told_ you that I wasn't gay. Otherwise I'd be prancing around in leather pants with hair extensions."

"Is that another side effect of being gay?"

"No," Sirius said after some contemplation, "That's just a symptom."

_AN_: I'm back again! See?? I'm controlling school. :D Still updating regularly…

I must say that the only reason I wrote this was because I cannot stand those stories, R/S or not, where James or Sirius or Remus or Peter wear eyeliner and leather pants and silky shirts and paint their fingernails. I mean, honestly! Do you see this happening?? No!!! They are NOT perverts and not that horny and girly. Ew.

Anyway, I'd like to dedicate this story to my friend Lily because it's her twenty-first birthday today and she needs a story as a present. :D Yay for her!!!

I love you all.

Love,

JULIA :D ;O :P


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